Your Thoughts Aren't Yours (And That's Why You Can't Control Them)

I used to spend hours trying to stop thinking about work stuff at night.

Lying in bed at 11 PM, telling myself "stop thinking about the client project, stop thinking about the email you need to send, stop thinking about whether that automation is going to work."

Guess what that did? Made me think about it more.

Turns out trying to control your thoughts is like trying to control which birds land in your yard. You can't. And the harder you try, the worse it gets.

The Thing Nobody Tells You About Thoughts

Your thoughts aren't actually yours.

I know that sounds weird, but think about it. You didn't choose to have that random song stuck in your head this morning. You didn't decide to suddenly remember that embarrassing thing you said in 2014.

Thoughts just show up. Like birds landing in your yard or bees flying through a garden.

You don't own them. They're just passing through.

The problem is we treat thoughts like they're permanent. Like if we're thinking something negative, that means we ARE negative. If we're thinking anxious thoughts, we must BE anxious.

That's not how it works.

A thought shows up. You notice it. Then another thought shows up. The first one leaves.

You're not your thoughts. You're the person watching them come and go.

What Actually Helps

I'm going to be honest. Most advice about controlling your thoughts is useless.

"Just think positive." "Practice gratitude." "Meditate more."

None of that addresses the actual problem, which is that you're trying to control something that can't be controlled.

What you can do is stop fighting them.

I know that sounds like giving up. It's not.

Here's what changed for me. I stopped trying to push thoughts away and started just noticing them.

Thought shows up: "That client project is going to fail."

Old response: "No it's not, stop thinking that, why am I thinking that, I need to stop."

New response: "Huh. There's that thought again. Okay."

The thought still shows up. But I'm not wrestling with it anymore.

It's like if a bee flies into your yard. You can spend energy trying to chase it away and probably get stung. Or you can just let it fly around and it'll leave on its own.

This Isn't About Meditation Or Being Zen

Look, I'm not some mindfulness guru. I still get stressed. I still have anxious thoughts. I still wake up at 3 AM sometimes thinking about work.

But I'm better at not making it worse by trying to force myself to stop.

Here's what that looks like practically.

I'm working on a client project. Thought pops up: "This is taking too long, you're going to miss the deadline, the client is going to be mad."

Instead of spending 20 minutes trying to convince myself that's not true, I just notice it. "Okay, that's an anxious thought. Cool. Back to work."

The thought doesn't disappear. But I'm not having a 20-minute argument with it in my head.

Same thing with negative self-talk. I used to try to counter every negative thought with a positive one. "You're not good at sales" would trigger "Yes I am, I've closed deals before, I'm fine at sales."

Now I just notice it. "There's that thought about not being good at sales. Alright."

Then I go do the sales call anyway.

The Garden Metaphor Actually Works

Your brain is like a garden.

Random stuff is going to grow in there. Some of it's flowers. Some of it's weeds. Some of it's just weird plants you didn't ask for.

You can't control what shows up. But you can choose what you water.

If I spend all day scrolling Twitter looking at people more successful than me, I'm watering the "you're behind everyone else" thoughts. Those are going to grow.

If I spend time working on projects, talking to clients, writing, I'm watering different thoughts. "You're building something" thoughts. "You helped someone today" thoughts.

Both types of thoughts will show up regardless. But the ones I pay attention to are the ones that stick around.

This isn't about forced positivity. It's about being intentional with your attention.

What I Actually Do

I'm not going to give you five steps or a system. That's not how this works.

What I do is pretty simple.

When a thought shows up that's not helpful, I notice it and let it keep moving. I don't try to argue with it or push it away. I just acknowledge it's there.

"There's anxiety about the project."
"There's that thought about being behind schedule."
"There's worry about money."

Then I go back to whatever I'm doing.

Sometimes the thought comes back. That's fine. I notice it again. Eventually it gets bored and leaves.

The thoughts I want more of? I pay attention to those. Not in a fake gratitude journal way. Just noticing when something actually works or when I do something useful.

"That automation saved the client 10 hours this week."
"That blog post helped someone figure out their process."
"I finished the thing I said I'd finish."

I'm not trying to manufacture positivity. I'm just noticing what's actually there.

It's Still Hard

Look, I wish I could tell you this makes anxious thoughts disappear or that you'll never have a negative thought again.

That's not what happens.

What happens is you get better at not getting stuck in them.

The thought "this project might fail" still shows up. I just don't spend 30 minutes spiraling about it anymore.

The thought "you're not as good as other consultants" still visits occasionally. I just don't let it run my whole day.

Your brain is going to do what it does. Thoughts are going to show up. Some helpful, some not.

You can't control which ones appear. But you can control how long you let them sit there and whether you water them.

That's the closest thing to control you're going to get.